I just have to be different. I think that whoever chose to become a mortal and live my life is not quite right in the head. I’m not really sure that’s how incarnation or creation or conception goes, but one thing I do know is I was the fastest and the bestest swimmer! And now I’m going to stop thinking about it.

So Google wished me a Happy Birthday. I noticed this on my browser yesterday and I was all like “Hey, those look like candles, like, for someone’s birthda….” and then I got it. Oh right! Just a super duper friendly reminder that Google, YouTube and Facebook own my ass. You guys aren’t fooling me. I know what you’re up to. You have cameras in my bedroom. Someone snuck in and wiretapped my phone. Can you wiretap a cell phone? I dunno. As you can tell, I don’t take this very seriously. If you are spying on me, well at least I know I’m not alone. Have fun at your job doing nothing all day but watch a grown ass woman sleep, eat, study. Wash, rinse, and repeat. Throw me a bone sometime and slide some money under my door. That would be awesome.

So, I found this page on Facebook called “I’m not right in the head” and I couldn’t resist checking it out. The following is what I would really love to get for my birthday:

whiskeybagpipes

Kind of like “The Purge” but with alcohol minus murder and assault. Everybody allowed to run around outside like little kids and drink whiskey, climb up the lamp posts, and hang out of the trees! God, I could use a day of consequence-free drunk and disorderliness. Maybe make some new friends. Like “snow day” for adults. How did I get from “The Purge” to “snow day”? Damn good thing I’m not a parent. Someone once told me my spirit animal is a chimpanzee so that might explain some of my musings.

Speaking of chimpanzees, this is one of my all-time favorite acts by any comedian. It reminded me also that as I am aging, the harder I laugh, the more times I pee my pants. I know you didn’t need to know that, but this IS a post about my birthday.

 

And speaking of animals, here’s my final thought:

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