Yes, yes, here we go again about cemeteries and funerals. I’m sorry, I just can’t stay away from topics that people find uncomfortable to talk about. We’ve established I’m not right in the head so I am going to carry on.

BOOZE?

Who serves alcohol at a funeral? Did I just wake up and discover I’ve been under a rock for 30 years? Somebody, please enlighten me. I’ve never been to a funeral where booze was offered.  Good food? Yes. Alcohol? No.

I’ve been in serious brain fog land and I did come across this concept yesterday and I do not remember where I ran across it. Typical me.

Got me thinking, though. Can you imagine the already upset and bereaved being offered alcoholic beverages? Especially the ones who are set to give tributes or The Eulogy? You see, this is how my mind works. I get an idea and then I start thinking “what if?” and then there’s no stopping me no matter how offensive or irreverent (do both of those words mean the same thing?).

If I were to die (and again I am NOT suicidal, I am just fine), seriously, I would want humor to color my funeral. If a few (or a lot) of people decided to get tipsy or really high on sugar or whatever, well I wouldn’t care because I’d be dead. So here are a few ideas. If I die before you, well, just do what you like. I want “I told you I was sick” on my tombstone (or in some printed material). That would be like really cool. Oh, and wear orange. Please. Why? Just don’t ask questions. Wear orange. You’ll irritate people who will insist on wearing black.

PROPER FUNERAL ETIQUETTE BY MARLIES

A funeral service generally begins in a church or building with the body being brought in by pallbearers. During the service, people may pray, read passages from scripture or literature, or sing songs.

I’m not familiar with religion-specific funerals, so I’m going to use very general terms (like church leader instead of pastor/priest, songs instead of hymns, literature instead of a testament, funeral potatoes instead of food).

With the singing, sing whatever you want. Sing as loud as you want. And most importantly, if you are tipsy or crashing from a sugar high, don’t feel embarrassed in the slightest if you fall asleep during a song. If there are any scripture passages to be read, I want them read in Latin so nobody will understand. That will make the slightly tipsy or sleepy attendee even sleepier. And remember, a cough, cold, or flu is the gift that keeps on giving:

It is guaranteed that someone will take it upon themselves to wake you up. Eat candy with super loud wrappers so that you irritate everyone else. This video is a good example:

 

In fact, if you could get Rowan Atkinson in the front row at my funeral, dressed in orange, please play this song and have him do this. Dream come true.

WHAT TO EXPECT AT THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE

This is the part where the body or cremated remains will eventually be six feet under. In general, graveside services tend to be fairly brief. So to lighten the mood, before the funeral officiant recites prayers or readings, have someone hide behind a tree and yell “Hey you guys don’t fall in!”

WHERE TO SIT OR STAND

BYOB. Bring lawn chairs. Come prepared, don’t be an idiot. Otherwise, you’ll be sitting on the bloody ground. And don’t wear high heels because they dig into the ground and geez why do I have to explain this. Wear runners.

FUNERAL GUESTBOOK

Anything goes. Please don’t just write your name. Write your favorite joke. Tape a picture of your cat in there. Or of you 3 year old child’s drawing. Write a poem, limerick, or haiku. Write out the weather report. Photocopy your ass and put the picture in there with your name or alias on the picture. Shit, I’m never gonna see it so it might as well be entertaining for the living.

FOOD AND ALCOHOL

Yup, alcohol is in. Whatever you want. And the place where the “after the internment party” takes place should allow for music, and people to pass out and go to sleep if they so choose. No drinking and driving. Sleeping in the back of the hearse is allowed instead. Lots of sweets, carbs, maybe a Christmas tree, should be served. Also, this should be served:

funeralpotatoes

I mean, geez. What’s a funeral without Funeral Potatoes. Like, really.

And remember….wear orange! and maybe a bit of yellow and brown.

_orange

Advertisements