To the top of what? Actually, your guest guess is as good as mine. But I’ll go ahead and offer myself offer some pinnacles I’ve slept my way to the top of:

I can sleep my way to the top of a laundry pile. I start folding a few facecloths, have a flare-up, and sleep for 5 hours. The top of the pile can be anywhere from 6 inches to three feet. Of course, the pile is higher when the laundry is on your bed if you measure from the ground up.

I live in an apartment that is very forgiving and conveniently constructed for the disabled. It’s a five-floor walk-up. So far, I’ve been able to fall asleep after achieving a height of 3 floors. It’s not the most comfortable pinnacle. Generally, I lay back against the wall, surreptitiously nodding my head forward as thin, warm line of snot comes jolting out of my nose. In this position, there is the added benefit of running (I use that word loosely) into another resident bounding up the stairs with little effort after working an 8-hour shift. You raise your face, complete with bloodshot eyes, to greet the resident and state that you are arranging your suicide chakras. The resident will smile, bounding up another set of stairs and entering his apartment.

One Christmas, I slept my way to the top of the tree. It needed to be trimmed and I was desperate for drug grocery money. I got the job done, slid down the ladder and passed out on a slightly damp ground where I had a seizure and slept the rest of the entire day. When I got up, I had slept so well that I didn’t even remember where I was! That was one for the books, for sure.

Speaking of books, I once arranged a bookshelf with a dizzying height of five shelves. I don’t read the books. I haven’t read a book all the way through since 9th grade. You might think I am kidding, but I’m serious about this. My readers don’t like serious things. Marlies, please shut the fuck up. Anyways, the pillow is still on the top of the shelf, and the books remain unread and are only there to make my mother happy. The books aren’t remotely interesting even if I did want to read them. They are there for decoration. Right beside my University Degree that I don’t remember getting.




So today is National Napping Day 2017. I bet you didn’t know that huh? Well it doesn’t bloody matter for those of us with a disorder that causes our body to shut down on a constant basis. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about and want to know more, well, I don’t think you want to know more but I’ll say my bit anyways.

In case you didn’t know: March 13 is National Napping Day, according to this helpful calendar.

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Now you know that it is 2017! Notice how “2017” is highlighted in blue, and “2018” is crossed off. Wow! Now you can go somewhere where you are told which day it is! Even though you have more bloody calendars in your home than you can stuff down some stupid person’s throat down your laundry shoot in one shot.

Here is a description of what napping day is all about:

You got up early and got a great start to the day, you’ve been trucking along being a productive adult, getting your work completed and attending the meetings you have to attend. Throughout it all you’ve been a trooper, you even made it through lunch without much trouble. But now it’s creeping into the late afternoon, and you’re just out of go. What do you do? You take a nap! Napping Day encourages you to remember these benefits of youth and take a little time out of the day for you!

Whoever wrote the above passage, well, it’s just not for sick people.

History of Napping Day
Napping Day’s history is simply the history of napping, and it used to be something we all did in the middle of the afternoon. In fact, the siesta is still a time-honored tradition in Spain that happens right after the afternoon meal, and has been a practice since time out of mind. In fact, if you’re in the Mediterranean, it’s pretty much standard everywhere you go. In Italy they call it the riposo, pisolini, and even old Charlamagne (yes that Charlamagne) has been recorded as having taken 2-3 hour naps in the middle of the afternoon.

So is it just laziness? Well, no. You see in part it’s because the hottest hours of the day occur in the middle of the afternoon, and it makes sense to take a brief break at that point. It also has to do with the circadian rhythms and the change-over point between the wake cycle and sleep cycle, there’s a time that’s essentially perfect for a nap. There are even notable benefits to taking a nap in the afternoon, including evidence pointing to a 37% reduction in occurrences of coronary mortality in those who take an afternoon nap regularly.~

I don’t know if this is even scientifically accurate. There are no references and I’m getting too tired already to even check the facts. Yeah, it’s laziness. That’s all I can fit in my brain right now. History of napping. Laziness. I’m starting to shut down. I think Daylight Saving Time has something to do with it. Losing an hour of sleep. An hour of sleep? I’ve already lost most of my life. What’s one more hour?

I think Daylight Saving Time has something to do with it. Losing an hour of sleep. An hour of sleep? I’ve already lost most of my life. What’s one more hour?

And yes folks it’s “Saving” not “Savings”. Whoever wrote that article insulted its readers by saying that. Like, “savings time.” Time to drop money into your bank account, said the 1% of the world’s elite, NEVER.

Unfortunately, you’ll lose an hour of sleep now, but you’ll gain it back in November. The clock falls back an hour on Sunday, November, 5. I’m going to go fall back onto the top of my laundry pile that I slept my way to the top of.

Sorry, what was I supposed to gain back? Was that happening in November?