Yes, folks, you heard it here first.

Oprah Winfrey called me fat. But, let me put it into context for you.

IT WAS IN A VERY VIVID DREAM.

I all of a sudden had this amazing black credit card with no limit. In this dream, I had somehow felt entitled to this card. I was making out with Robin Williams and then stole it from one of his friends.

All of a sudden I was in a huge (and I mean HUGE) shopping centre. With this black credit card. And oh, the cloooothes that I bought were amazing! At the beginning of my shopping experience, I was able to purchase whatever I wanted, in whatever size. Size zero fit. Size 4 fit.

As the shopping spree expanded, apparently so did my waistline. I then stumbled into the most amazing shop yet. Shoes, dresses, pants, leather, vinyl, denim, hats, fishnets, everything you could imagine… it was there. And Oprah Winfrey owned this one.

I was showing off my latest selection in front of a mirror and grabbed a huge but oh-so-stylish hat to top it off.

Oprah suddenly appeared behind the cash register and mused to a co-worker “Yeah, the big hat balances her out because of the fat.”

So there you have it.

I tried to get back to Robin Williams because he was such a great kisser but he gave up on waiting around for me and just disappeared.

Welcome to my dreamscape, people. Welcome.

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