In my spam folder today:  Hey man. is it ok? I’m very desirable female and presently look up smashing man, If You are concerned:) response me, I can send You my pictures;) talk to you later.

  • No. It is not ok. And I am not concerned. I’ll give you something to smash.

Complete strangers trampled through my apartment yesterday and left a business card on my kitchen table.

  • I’m not buying my apartment, assclown. Didn’t you get the memo that I have $0.09 to my name? Why leave a card? Do you want sexual favors so I can make a monthly mortgage I don’t want? And you look like a snake oil salesman.

PewDiePie (a.k.a. YouTuber Felix Kjellberg) is a fascist. It must be true because J.K. Rowling said he wears it as an accessory. I did not know you could wear an ideology as an accessory. Also, the Wall Street Journal said he is anti-semitic and tattled to YouTube and Disney. It’s a reputable publication and it’s on the internet and it didn’t even let me read the whole article online, but it must be true.

  • In other news, Kim Kardashian has finally given up trying to be friends with Beyonce. The future is very strange to me.

 

People on my Facebook feed love to post pictures of their food. Seen on Valentine’s Day:

  • Romantic Love:  Boiling in Hot, Spicy Chili!

  • PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY ENOUGH WITHOUT BOILING IN IT TOO.

***

In my YouTube feed today. Read the narrative below while watching this scintillating video by popular YouTuber Poppy:

  • “I have eyes on hostiles, I repeat I have visual on hostiles. Give me your signal to engage.”
  • “Subject is spinning, I repeat, the subject is spinning.”
  • “Base, we can’t handle this, we need the nuclear activation codes.”
  • “Are you serious?! That would wipe out a five-mile radius! Are you absolutely sure? I repeat, are you ABSOLUTELY SURE?!
  • “There’s no other option, tell my wife… tell her I love her.”
  • “We are out of time, that thing is spinning faster! IT IS PREPARING FOR AN ATTACK!”
  • “Engage, I repeat engage! But nothing nuclear!”
  • “We have lost contact on hostile. Mission failed, we will get it next time.”

***

This video got over 600,000 views:

  • What do YOU think Poppy is looking for?

 

MY FIRST INTERVIEW

And last, but not least, Poppy interviews me! I liked that she asked me the question about being contained in a base and not being able to go out in nature. Poppy asks such in-depth questions that nobody has ever thought to ask me before.

  • I feel good, overall, about my first interview. Next thing you know, there will be a Wikipedia page about Marlies Vonn!

 

Just in today:  entrepreneurial narcissists are taking over the world!

  • Holy shit. You just figured that out NOW, numbnuts? Next you’re going to tell me that there is archaeological evidence disproving Noah’s flood. Or ark. Or whatever you call it.
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