Valentine’s Day, baseball bats, and lilypads.

Well, it’s that time of year again, folks. The time of year where we are commanded by our corporate overlords to set aside one special day to say “I love you” to that someone special.

Clearly, I do not have someone special. I missed out on that opportunity because I became crusty and cynical very early on in life. A very nice, handsome young man asked me to a Christmas dance and dinner and I was quite thoroughly convinced he did it because he felt sorry for me. In hindsight, I now know that he did not feel sorry for me. I probably hurt his feelings. I was only 19 though and thought I knew everything. I ended up loving two men (unrequited, and not at the same time) who ended up dying, thought I loved one dude and then divorced him, and spent the rest of my mid-20s and 30s walking around with a baseball bat fending off unwanted advances. Yeah, I WISH I was Harley Quinn.

So here I sit on my comfortable lilypad. Generally, I make fun of Valentine’s Day traditions (and trust me, this year will be no exception). Except I have this humungous (is that a word?) crush on someone. But for reasons I will not get into, pursuing this individual would not ever work. Plus, I drunk texted him once and made a complete asshole of myself so like that’s never going to happen. Where did I put that baseball bat from my 30’s? I should dig it out and hit myself on the head with it.

If I were to give him a Valentine’s Day card, it might go something like this:

Oh, hang on. I think this is an “I’m Thinking of You Card.” I’ll try again:

Well, that’s probably closer to what I’d give him. Well, I mean there’s pink on the card and the word “heart” is in there somewhere. Then I’d just put To: and From: inside the card like they do in Elementary School. Hmmm.

Oh and it has the word weird on the card as well. I’m too old and too weird for this person.  I haven’t been out on an actual date since 2002. My God! It HAS been that long. Holy shit. OK back to my imagination. This is also a like/love/general expression of interest/all around nice gesture-sort of card:

Without taking my shirt off or revealing too much about my stature to my readers, I MIGHT consider this card as well:

You know, because some people’s boobs are like really sma….. uhhh never mind.

Well, I’ll just non-creepily sit on my nice little lilypad and I really don’t know why baseball bats and lilypads are coming to mind as I write this but they are so I’m just going to have to sort it all out later over a plate of Premium Plus crackers. Damn, my life is exciting.

I’ll leave you with this catchy little love jingle: If I were a zombie, I’d never eat your brain, I’d just want your heart……