I don’t have much to write about as my head is full of literature concerning glomerular filtration rates, nephritis, cystitis, and fluid balances. Don’t ask.
I came across this video on my Twitter page from the online publication The Mighty. It really, really spoke to me. Often, I will say to people that I want to walk out into traffic but I don’t have the energy to run to a major highway from where I live. It gets a few laughs, I feel a bit better, but the dark cloud comes over me once more.
In fact, I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t felt suicidal. People don’t believe me when I say I felt this way at 5 years old. Well, I did. Now, I am in my 40s. Feeling like I don’t want to be here is my normal. Am I going to take action? No. That path would just multiply my pain exponentially. Why do that? Do I wish I would get some life-threatening illness so that I would die quickly and with dignity? Those feelings come and go with the clouds.
So here is the video that inspired this post:
So there. I’ve said it. Out loud. Well, sort of out loud. You can’t hear my voice unless you go onto my Instagram page and look at my birthday message on January 13th.
Some get nervous when they hear “I feel suicidal.” But for me, AND I’M ONLY TALKING ABOUT ME PERSONALLY RIGHT NOW, it’s part of the grey that comes with the depression that comes with the different shade of grey accompanying chronic fatigue syndrome. And not the sexy shades of gray like Anastasia and Christian. If you managed to get through the books or the movies. Anyways.
Like the girl in the video said, it’s a feeling. Not something I want to do.
I’m having a TAD bit of a problem with anxiety right now, so the following are some other things I don’t want to do:
Call me crazy. After all, this IS the White Padded Room. Cheers, y’all. I’m not going anywhere.
I’m suicidal that way, too. Like, I’m not going to run into the street, but if I happened to be crossing one and a bus was bearing down on me, I wouldn’t try to get out of the way. Been this way for a very long time now.
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In a strange way I very much understand you. It’s not a pleasant place to be in. It’s sort of a “passive” or “passing” thought that resides in a dusty dark corner of the mind. It’s inactive, but it’s always there. Sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way too. But I think that the fact that people are starting to talk about this and even making videos about it is very encouraging. The more of each other we have, I think, the better. Hang in there beautiful!
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I’m also going to post a comment here, because having comments is sort of like asking your friends to park their cars in front of your new restaurant so people driving by might be interested because they can see that it is busy.