There are times when I feel really happy, but at that time I know it’s just temporary, because I’m going to go back to being fine. And there are times where I feel unhappy, and I know it’s going to go back to normal. I’m never constantly fucking happy, ’cause that would just be insane. I don’t think anyone is constantly happy and if that is the case, I don’t want to know you. ~Felix Kjellberg, a.k.a. PewDiePie

Yes, I am a fan of PewDiePie, along with 52 million people around the world who are considerably younger than me.

Really, though, I’m a little kid in size 8 adult shoes so it shouldn’t surprise you.

PewDiePie is a Swedish YouTube celebrity who owns and operates a gaming and entertaining channel. His real name is Felix Kjellberg. I’ve been following him for quite some time. He recently made a video entitled “Forced Positivity” which really struck a chord with me.

I felt a bit guilty for posting my negative experience with my counselor. In the deep recesses of my mind, I thought “how dare you be negative on your blog? You are supposed to be positive and funny at all times. This is what ‘White Padded Room’ is all about.”

Then I saw Felix’s video today and realized that I’m not an entertainer, I’m a real human being. Like him, (minus 50 million viewers) I am human and have emotions that are on a continuum from extreme depression to extreme elation, with “fine” being in the center.

And I thought to myself why not post the negative along with the positive? We humans are all in the same boat and are incapable of being happy or elated all the time. It’s not a natural state to be in. My overall goal is to make you laugh at me or with me. For me, laughter jogs me from “depressed” or “sad” to “fine” or “happy”. These emotions are not fixed. We need them all. Our culture pushes positivity. Shit, our culture SELLS positivity.

Kjellberg quoted the following:

I believe the strong cultural focus on happiness and thinking positively is actually making us less resilient.

The next point — and this is very important to me — emotions like sadness, guilt, grief and anger are beacons for our values. We don’t get angry about stuff we don’t care about. We don’t feel sad or guilty about stuff we don’t care about. If we push these emotions away, we are choosing not to learn about ourselves. We are choosing to ignore our values and what is important to us.

And the last point, when we tell ourselves to “think positive” and to push negative or difficult emotions aside, it won’t work. It doesn’t work. ~Susan David

Semnani, N. (2016). A Harvard psychologist explains why forcing positive thinking won’t make you happy. The Washington Post.

Think about it. If you’re not positive and smiling, you’re not ok. Do you feel the pressure? I sure do. One important thing that my illness has taught me is to be honest about how I am feeling. Actually, there are other things too. I no longer feel guilty that I do not fit into society’s prescribed standard of behavior, dress, and way of thinking.

Unfortunately, because I am considered “strange” and have lived a large portion of my life in isolation, I have few friends. But I am resilient. I’ve developed a very odd pair of lenses through which I see and translate the world around me. Well, the part of the world that I can see, anyway. I have a year-round Christmas tree and 6 stuffed bears of varying ages and sizes. They all have names. I have learned to anthropomorphize inanimate objects in order to feel less lonely.


Oh shit, wait, that mouse is not dead. Hang on.


OK that’s better. This is the first rabbit I ever made. I haven’t named him yet and am totally stuck.

So anyways, the point I was trying to make, is that I was experiencing some cognitive dissonance after posting my experience with my counselor, but after watching Felix’s video this morning, I was reminded that it’s ok to be fine, thenbereallymadandwriteaboutitonabloglikeseriouslyandfunnybutoverallseriously.

Fuck you spell check.

Today the scales are tilted slightly in favor of “not fine.” And that’s ok.

Felix’s video for anyone who is interested: