I am very thankful that you are considering my problem.

I just really, really wanted to thank ALL of my followers who read my startup blog in 2016 and for some strange reason kept on reading it. When I started this blog I was told I might have my sanity questioned by a medical professional or I might have the police show up at my doorstep. None of those things have happened. I now have 120 followers which might not seem like a lot, but it is a LOT to me. Just knowing that there are other special people who seem to have the same sense of humor and outlook on life makes my little dark heart glow. (Update: I now have scared off about 4 people so only have 116 followers. lol.)

And don’t worry about the “I will find you” part of the thank you. I just don’t have that particular set of skills or a long career. I don’t have what it takes to be a nightmare for people like you. So rest easy.

“THANK YOU” DISTRACTION

This popped up in my search results and I couldn’t resist poking fun. The list suggests appropriate responses (in English, obviously translated from another language) to a person who says “thank you.” Enjoy. I’ve fucked with the list too. All spelling and grammar mistakes are there on purpose.

When someone say Thank You! to you say the below any of the words, that show you really respect to that person.

• You’re welcome.
• That’s all right!
• Don’t mention it (actually, this is disrespectful because they just mentioned it and now you are telling them not to mention it. What are they supposed to do? Say “withdrawn?”)
• Not at all (same as above).
• It’s nothing (uhhh, unless you are Stephen Hawking nothing is nothing).
• My pleasure.
• Written Formal (someone says “Thank You” and you say “Written Formal?)
• Many thanks for your email (thank you for the thank you card thank you for your thank you card thank you for your thank you card….same shit different pile).
• I was so pleased to hear from you (are we still on thank you? I think we’re on the other end.).
• I greatly appreciate your kind words. “Written Formal!”
• I am very thankful that you are considering my problem. “That’s all right!”

POLAR BEARS AND NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

I stopped with the New Year’s resolutions a very long time ago. Having a chronic illness which can only be managed and not cured obliterates, in its entirety, the goal-setting thought process. I’ll give you an example from mid-2016.

I am studying, writing a blog, and doing normal everyday tasks (which in medical lingo are called “activities of daily living”). Doing these three things daily (well the blog not daily but ideas daily and get thrown together and written down well you know what I mean). I decided that it would be a brilliant idea to get a job on the side to make some extra, you know, spending cash. That lasted less than a week. I was humiliated and crushed. It was like suffering from jet-lag, except for 2 weeks.

So, for me to go ahead and set new goals is, in itself, an exercise in futility. Wait. Exercising futility might take up extra energy. Hmm. I should re-word.

I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING THAT WILL DRAIN MY ENERGY TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTING MY ABILITY TO CONTINUE WALKING, TALKING, THINKING, FORMING COGNITIVE LOOPS, OR TO RETAIN CONTROL OF MY BLADDER.

So this is basically how I live every day. If you want to call the above a resolution, go ahead and call it a resolution. It’s survivalist and basic, but also more complicated than you might imagine. If I venture beyond the above-mentioned parameters, the following usually happens:

THE ROUGH SIDE DRAGS

THE CRASH

CONFUSION

COMATOSE

Why polar bears? When I started writing this blog, I had a really good answer. I have now completely forgotten why. I just kept on going with the polar bear theme. I dunno. White. Winter. Snow. Cold. That’s it.

Again, thank you for supporting me and reading the plate of spaghetti my mind has to offer. As per the aforementioned etiquette regarding how to say “thank you” and suggested responses, if you were to say “thank you”, I might say “I greatly appreciate your kind words and promise to greatly consider your problems too.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR! WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN!