If you are a student, this is the general time during which you are studying for and writing exams.

Many of your exams come in the form of multiple choice questions. In the olden days, you know, when schools actually tested you on what you learned during the lectures and what you absorbed in the assigned readings, there weren’t too many surprises. If you attended class and studied, you generally got an A. If you didn’t study at all, you would get a C. If you briefly flipped through the material and only came to a few classes, well, you would get a B or a C. If you cheated, well, I dunno how that works. If you were good, you got away with it. I never did cheat, but in many walks of life, including government jobs, religion, politics, cheating seems to be the way to go. I digress.

These are not the good old days anymore. It is not enough to attend class and to study the assigned readings and to do assignments. The people who construct the questions in the exam bank are evil creatures who do not care who you are, how hard you’ve worked, and what it means to you and the rest of your semester/career/life if you do not pass this exam. The whole point of it is political. If you have to take the test again, this means that the college makes more money. If a LOT of students have to take the whole course over again, this means even more money for the college. If the course and/or degree is known to have a high failure rate, and only a small number of people pass, then the college is renowned for producing society’s most brilliant minds. What a load of horseshit. Wait, I think this is my own horseshit. Let’s get back to the evil creatures working inside of the exam bank.

These evil creatures, I believe, are sub-contracted out by the college or university you are attending. The point of multiple choice exams in this context is not to test your knowledge. Nobody cares what you already know anymore. They just want you to stare at the question and the choices laid out for you, while a searing hot poker-like pain develops at the base of your skull, leaving you wondering “why the fuck did I study again?”

I’ll give you some rudimentary examples.

Warren has three apples. His mother goes to the grocery store and purchases 6 apples, a loaf of bread, a jug of milk, and 6 asparagus spears. Of those 6 apples, she gives Warren two. How many empty plastic bags should Warren’s mother recycle?

a) 5

b) 3

c) 4

d) all of the above

A train leaves Calgary at 0900h traveling southbound at 100km/hour. Another train leaves Edmonton at the same time traveling northbound at 80km/hour. True or false: will there be a collision?

a) True

b) False

A client with agoraphobia will display which of the following behaviors?

a) destructive behavior

b) self-destructive behavior

c) flat affect

d) compulsive destruction of outdoor spiderwebs

Arnold has $500 in his bank account. He tells his wife he has only $50 left in his bank account. In which bank does Arnold have the $450? (Seriously, we spent a week talking about ethical principles, you dumb shits. He’s clearly violating an ethical principle here by lying to his wife. What do the fucking banks have to do with this?)

a) Bank of America

b) Bank of Montreal

c) Bank of Nova Scotia

d) a bank in the British Virgin Islands

You are assigned to care for a patient who died 5 minutes before your shift started. What comfort measures would you offer your patient that would be most therapeutic?

a)  “God is in control, everything will be fine.”

b) “If I got through med school, you too, will overcome this.”

c) Take his vital signs.

d) Ask him if he has any spiritual or cultural needs

Items bought by a trader for $80 are sold for $100. The profit expressed as a percentage of cost price is 25%. In 2006, how many stray dogs were there in Guatemala?

a) 1200

b) 2500

c) 5000

d) 10,000

In Karl Marx’s book, The Division of Labour in Society, how many divisions were there?

a) 0

b) 2

c) 1

d) all of the above

I saw _____________ of my friends.

a) everybody

b) no one

c) nobody

d) no

 

The hydrostatic pressure of overhead power lines can cause irregularities in migratory patterns of several species of birds. The normal air speed velocity of an unladen European swallow is:

a) 15km/hr

b) 5km/hr

c) all of the above

d)none of the above

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THE FRIGGIN END

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