A mime is a terrible thing to waste. ~Robin Williams

 

This is, for me, strangely true. I would rather watch a half hour of a professional mime routine (is that what it’s called?) than being subjected to popular Christmas music periodically all day long. My dislike for Christmas music is fairly recent, and surprisingly, has little to do with my dislike for Christmas in general. Ubiquitous during this season are all the old standards.

Now, by old standards, I mean Christmas carols and hymns. I would rather aggressively remove my own fingerprints than dare to criticize the likes of, say, Handel’s Messiah. It is beyond the scope of this blog to comment on perfection.

New Christmas music is terribly confusing and can cross over into Easter or Valentine’s Day if you ask me. Anyways, the other day I actually stopped to listen to some of the lyrics to some of the old standards. I will critique two songs today.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR

Here is an excerpt from a standard called “Do You Hear What I Hear”:

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear
A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea

Translate to today. So let’s say I’m a poor school kid living in a rough part of town convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that an animal has told me about a song ringing through the sky. In the song, the shepherd boy goes and tells the King about it. Present day – the kid goes and tells his mom, with whom he is living in a one bedroom apartment. She works two jobs to make ends meet. And he has told his teacher too.

Do you hear what I hear??

DO you???

I’ll leave it up to you to visualize how this one ends.

BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

warmupwithsanta

I’ll leave it up to you, but doesn’t this sound like a dialogue for grooming, a roofied drink, and a perfect prelude to date rape?

I really can’t stay (but baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (but baby, it’s cold outside)

This evening has been (been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry (beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)

So really I’d better scurry (beautiful please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (baby, it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)

I wish I knew how (your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (what’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride?)

I really can’t stay (oh baby don’t hold out)
But baby, it’s cold outside

I simply must go (but baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no (but baby, it’s cold outside)

Your welcome has been (how lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm (look out the window at this dawn)

My sister will be suspicious (gosh your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door (waves upon the tropical shore)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (gosh your lips are delicious)
But maybe just a cigarette more (never such a blizzard before)

I’ve gotta get home(but baby, you’d freeze out there)
Say lend me a coat(it’s up to your knees out there)

You’ve really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand)
But don’t you see? (how can you do this thing to me?)

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (think of my lifelong sorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied (if you got pneumonia and died)

I really can’t stay (get over that old out)
Baby, it’s cold
Baby, it’s cold outside

Something really tells me this guy doesn’t give a fuck if this chick gets pneumonia and dies. As long as he gets what’s comin’ to him. Anyone?