I am not a visionary. I do not have a five-year plan, I don’t have a moon shot. I’m an engineer. I’m perfectly happy with all the people who are walking around and just staring at the clouds and looking at the stars and saying, “I want to go there,” but I’m looking at the ground and I want to fix the pothole that’s right in front of me before I fall in.

~Linus Torvalds

I don’t have likes and dislikes.  I have major psychotic hatreds. I think that George Carlin said that, I’m not sure. Don’t sue me. Christmas and everything related to it is one of them. So if you have a special place in your heart that warms up during this season, you can piss off  and look at kittens and puppies click elsewhere because this month I am going to pour my little black heart out.

Now that I have found an appropriate medium for laying down my humor, like black tar poured on a pothole-ridden side street by disgruntled citizens, I will let you know what I think, as a person with a disability, of the phrase

ARE YOU READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

First of all, this phrase shines a blinding spotlight on how dreadfully disconnected and egocentric we all are in Western civilization. It is superficial and it is my observation that the level of superficiality and underlying hostility increases exponentially during major holidays, with Christmas being no exception, alcohol frequently involved to relieve tension. Let me explain.

A relationship is only as good as the intent of the interaction that occurs during interpersonal communications between two or more individuals Powel (1995).

According to Powel there are 5 levels of communication that affect an individual’s personal growth and maturity during interpersonal encounters: with 5 being the most superficial and 1 being the most meaningful.

FIVE:  Cliche conversations. How are you ? How is school going? Are you ready for the holidays? Yes, this includes you guys who post pictures of what you ate for dinner. SERIOUSLY?? Are you trying to rub it in my face that I don’t have the energy to cook a meal, get ready for the day, much less get ready for the holidays? You don’t care about the answer to my question. And I know it. These cliches increase during the holidays.

FOUR:  Reporting of facts. Little personal interaction occurs at this point. Did you know that your toilet is overflowing? Are you smoking again dear? There is only one road to heaven. We are all going to church on Christmas Eve. You may join us if you like. This may be Mabel’s last Christmas. I could smell alcohol on Uncle Larry’s breath. We are not going to be exchanging gifts this year. Your mother ran over your cat in her hurry to get to bible study. Everything happens for a reason.

**A bit of alcohol at this point is often added to cover everything that is stuffed down, everything that is unsaid, unheard, and unwelcome. Substitute smoking for those who don’t drink. Or, going into that back washroom and rig that toilet so it will overflow until someone has to call a plumber which will be very expensive. 

THREE: This level is my absolute favorite. The revelation of ideas and judgments. Basically, the speaker adjusts what she is saying based on the reaction of the listener. The speaker wants to engage the listener in a (hopefully interesting) conversation, say, based on the following picture:

hetropatriarchy

The listener is offended by a) the cigarette and b) Santa Clause and c) doesn’t understand the top portion. Quickly discarding the above picture, the speaker appeals to the listener’s humor by farting a few times and pointing to grandpa and saying “hey, was that you?” in his best retard voice and a nice peal of laughter ensues. Not skipping a beat, the speaker says “you know what I saw on someone’s lawn the other day? Not just your traditional Christmas decorations but monkeys flinging shit crap at each other!”

monkeysshit

TWO, ONE: Well, these levels are just a crapshoot because they require shit like honesty, trust, not telling lies, and not joking about your ashes being made into a crystal ball when you die.

crematedswirl

http://canyouactually.com/artful-ashes/

So, those are some of my thoughts precipitated by the phrase “Are you ready for the holidays?”

I thought it would be better to write a blog about it than to go running naked out into traffic, screaming and shouting. If the traffic doesn’t get you, then the cold will. And when I say cold, I mean cold.

frostytree

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