I get so tired of interview questions. They are all the same, and I never know what the right answer is supposed to be. If the stars align correctly I might be searching for a job in the near future. IF my new doctor puts me on cocaine or something like that. Below are the following answers I’d like to just blurt out. Oh, I’d love to wear sweats and slippers to an interview. They want to know the real me, don’t they? Why don’t they bloody come to my house and interview me?

Tell me about yourself.

My hair grows and sometimes gets caught in the drain. I have to fish it out with a designated pair of tweezers sometimes. I never learned how to fish, but I can operate a gasoline-powered push lawnmower. I did this once a week for three hours straight for no pay. For many years. I conserve water by taking a shower once a month and can clean my entire body using the water that fills a bathroom sink. I have recently acquired a reddish-purplish stretch mark on my stomach and I’m afraid it isn’t going anywhere.  I think I’ve achieved the wisdom of two lifetimes and it’s all stuffed into that little stretch mark.

Tell me about your dream job. 

I don’t like that question. Really, to be honest, in the context of a job interview, any question that has the word “dream” in it is for pansies that are not really connected to reality. What you really want to know is if I say that I want to have a job like Richard Branson, working and playing all the time, you’ll strike me off your list because you wanted a mindless synthetic you can control which unfortunately is not me. I can write well but the “play” part of me that sticks its tongue out at you writes insanely long run-on sentences.

What is your weakness?

Do you want just one?

What are your strengths?

OK so you wanted just one weakness. How many strengths do you want? This is an interview designed to attract drones, I swear. If I give you weaknesses, I’d have to go into my personal life, which is inappropriate and my research tells me you are not interested in hearing about that. Which is ironic, because as soon as I get hired, that is the ONLY thing ANYBODY is interested in. My core strength is seeing through bullshit, and getting to what the real issue is. Not gossipping about it, not beating about the bush, just getting to it and dealing with it.

I can also balance a spoon on the end of my nose for an entire workday, increasing workplace morale. Lots more ideas where that came from.

What do you know about the type of work we do?

Uhhh I looked it up on your website last night and printed it off. Would you like me to parrot it back to you?

Why should we hire you?

You and I both know that you guys already know IF you are going to hire me at this point in the interview. This question is just for decoration.

Do you consider yourself successful?

Look at my resume, numbnuts.

Why have you been unemployed for such a long time?

I was kidnapped and forced to work as a sex slave and do drugs in somebody’s basement for three years. Took me a year of counseling just to be able to speak again. Yeah, the incident never made the news. My family kinda likes to sweep that sort of thing under the rug.

What would your previous supervisor say your strongest point is?

My previous supervisor wouldn’t even give me a reference because she doesn’t fucking remember me.

How do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?

Blowjobs?

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Working here. Here until the end of time. I’m not a psychic, goddammit!  I could be dead tomorrow! I do not have a five-year plan, and if you don’t like it, (internal voice begs “you have bombed this interview, at least end on a nice note”) well, I might not be an appropriate candidate.

What are your hobbies and interests outside of work?

Enjoying various physical pursuits such as the recently popular mannequin challenge, on the floor.

 

 

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