Yes, this is a re-blog but with a few adjustments and a cool video at the end. If you subscribe and comment “I subscribed” I will give you a shoutout on Monday, April 17th, 2017.

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The Resume of Marlies Vonn

Why would you want my address? After you hire me then I can regale you with stories about how I live in a small white tunnel underneath the railroad tracks. I did consider it for awhile. Location pictured above. You don’t need my phone number either. If after the initial interview, you are super duper interested in me, then you can email me and I’ll be happy to give you my number.

imnotskinnyenough@gmail.com

 04/15/2017

To whoever it is that is in charge of hiring and firing, and also to those placating those applicants for jobs that have already been filled:

You’re looking for an administrative assistant. I have 10 years experience. Both of us already know what kinds of tasks an administrative assistant does. I have a bachelor’s degree from a university in science (2007). I doubt that it will help in getting me the job but I’ll likely go to the top of the pay scale for my position. I’m also super good at writing but have never done it for a living.

Some stuff about me:

  1. I do one thing, I do it well, and then I move on
  2. Slow paced, non-deadline driven environments work best for me
  3. I’m productive in small, dark spaces with very little noise – even if it is a closet
  4. I’m always thinking critically, coloring life with humor, and thrive on creating things
  5. If there is a misprint in a job ad I will not apply for it
  6. I have never stolen anything from anyone
  7. I’m mostly professional, and when I’m not I go into the bathroom to either cry, blow snot into a Kleenex, or vomit – depending on the situation
  8. I snort when I laugh, and people think it’s funny and cool
  9. I’m able to elicit laughter in others to the degree that they lose control of at least one bodily function
  10. Unfortunately, my conflict resolution skills need work, and I respond poorly to workplace bullying – refer to #7, and I hate working with the public
  11. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
  12. 75% of my hiring managers have cried when I left my position for one reason or another

There is a GAP in my work history from October 2011 to the present. I’m sure you will wonder about that, I know I wonder about it sometimes myself. Well, what in the dickens was I doing? Well here goes:

  • I was bored with my administrative job, not making enough money, and depressed
  • I wanted to continue the job but I was put on attendance management for being too burned out and “not coming into work because I’m too tired” is not considered a valid excuse
  • I was registered as a nurse at this point and should have gone back but generally fucked everything up by not going back in 2012 after a successful interview. I do not use expletives lightly.
  • This is where everything went downhill. I became more and more burned out. I tried going to Victoria to get a job as a nurse and could barely get through training and had to come back home because I was so burned out.
  • This is where downhill turned into a gaping abyss as I turned to alternative methods to earn income. I crashed and burned really hard when I burned out yet again.
  • Fast forward to Fall of 2014, tried to get my nursing license back, couldn’t, and am studying to refresh my skills.
  • Fast forward to now. I don’t want to be a nurse anymore and I can’t stand studying anymore.
  • The only thing I enjoy is doing my blog which you can find at http://www.paddedroom.me
  • The only second thing I enjoy doing is my videos. I have an example at the end of this resume.

Glad I got that part over with. I read somewhere in an article that hiring managers don’t give a crap about your personal interests so I won’t bore you with those. Question though: what would happen if every single person in every high rise in Manhattan had to go to the bathroom at the same time?

References? Most of my references are too old to even remember me. I volunteered at my local library last year for 5 months. That’s the only reference you would ever get if you did decide to hire me.

THE END

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