ON LOSS

We all experience loss.  Loss of a loved one, loss of health, loss of income, loss of a pet, loss of a friend.  These things can and will bring us to our knees.

At these times, life is chaotic, turbulent, gritty and messy.  Even at the best of times, sometimes just going through one day leaves you feeling like you’ve gone tobogganing down a gravel road without the toboggan, wondering why you have gravel embedded in your ass.

Have you ever had an experience where a loved one has died, and how it often happens that people put aside their petty differences and come together?  It just seems to be reflexive. Everyone accepts what has happened, and moves forward.

ON FIXING AND RESISTING

Imagine, for a moment, if a family tried to come together to do everything that they could do to reverse the course of an irreversible illness for a loved one.  The research, the sleepless nights, the stress, the doctor’s visits, the invasive procedures, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent.  What if the loved one in question was never asked if that was what he or she wanted from their family?  What if he or she simply wanted to be loved and cared for?  In all of the chaos to try to normalize the ill individual, what would family members and friends be missing out on? Time. Reflecting on cherished memories.  Making new ones. Human connection. This is what I want and I don’t know how to make it happen.

I am a person with a chronic illness that has been consistently resisting the idea that I can one day function as a physically well person.  Consequently, I believe I have unwittingly surrounded myself with fixers.  “Have you tried this oil?” or “Have you gone vegan?” or “Have you tried cannabis” (thanks, but jail isn’t on my bucket list). “Have you tried swimming with the dolphins?” or “Have you tried lion’s mane?” WTF, somebody out there actually went up to a lion and chopped off its fur for medicinal purposes?  What is this world coming to? What’s next, donkey’s breath?

Human connection just seems to happen in a space where there is no resistance, no control, and everyone is dealing with the reality of the situation.

 

DO YOU SEE ME?  ARE YOU MISSING ME?

  • I have spent so much time trying to fit in and “be like everyone else.”  And that has all been wasted time. Chronic means “for a very, very long time and it, like doesn’t ever go away.”
  • What is it that I DO have to offer? How can I offer it to them within my limitations?
  • How can I tell people close to me that they aren’t seeing the real me anymore?
  • How can I tell them that I miss them?  The real, genuine, human connection?
  • I need a really good therapist.

DISCLAIMER

I am not suggesting at all that if an illness or ailment is reversible, nothing should be done about it. For example, if you DO have gravel embedded in your ass from sliding down a gravel road with no barrier, really, go to the emergency and get that gravel out. If you are milking a cow, and have forgotten to tie her tail to something and your eye is injured because she whipped her tail right into your cornea, well you’re an idiot and really ought to get that checked out right away. Same goes with animals.  If your cat falls into a pail of Pennzoil, well get it cleaned right away because it will just try to lick it all off and will probably die.

 

 

 

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