Kelto here is having a pensive moment before hopping in the shower.  He is embracing pink and I fully support it.  I am comfortable wearing the brown bathrobe which is, incidentally, much softer.  It doesn’t matter.  I don’t take baths or showers so the brown bathrobe is simply a decoration hanging on the back of the bathroom door. It fools the few guests I do have into believing that I have a normal bathroom and day/night routine.  The things we do to appear normal, huh?  I have derailed myself again.  Onto the topic of the content my guest has offered.

My good friend, who shares my insanity, chronic illness, and love of drawing faces on fruit, also has a hole in her heart.  She read my suggestions for remedying holes in hearts and came up with even funnier solutions which mirrored my own.  For obvious reasons, she wishes to remain in the shadows.  Here are HER solutions:

  1. I tried your remedy for “fixing a hole in your heart” & this is what happened!! (I did look under the bed & found some dust bunnies & put some of those in the hole in my heart, but I have allergies, & my heart developed an irregular beat when I began to sneeze!)
  2. I checked a book out from the LOCO library. I doodled in the margin. I thought it was a washable marker…it said ‘can be washed  after  2 minutes and it will not bleed into other areas’.  I thought that was good because I didn’t want blood on the book.  My doodling consisted of funny faces with tongues sticking out, birds wearing boots, etc. Using the sharpie to cross out the words I didn’t like, didn’t leave very much of the book untouched, because I had to also do the pictures! I had to do ALL of it with my eyes shut (because of the subject matter). The library staff was so very sympathetic to me when I explained WHY I did it, that they led me to the QUIET CORNER & made me put my face in the corner for an hour. They asked me if I wanted to take the book home (I had to pay vandalism charges) and use it for my Coffee Table Display Book. I screamed, “no thank you”!  I have been banned from the LOCO library. Oh, by the way, the topic of the book was “SNAKES”. Now I have to go to therapy.
  3. Get a Journal. I called up and subscribed to the Edmonton Journal. That way  somebody else can do the writing.  I can critique if it is HaPpY    OR   CrApPy.  It gets delivered to me every day, and it has new pictures every day too. I look in the Obituary Section first & if I don’t see my name there, then I know I can read the rest of it.
  4. Get another Journal? Isn’t that a waste of money? One subscription is enough! Maybe I will diversify & get the Edmonton Sun. It’s been a little rainy & dreary out lately. Maybe that will get me some much-needed rays of sunshine & cheer me up. Maybe even lay out in the open where everyone can see me get a tan!  That might be scary for other people! I best keep my personal Edmonton Sun to myself and hide it away where even I can’t find it.
  5. STRETCH!. OWWWWW! OUCH!  Oh my goodness. Now I have crippled myself. This right after my accident, I don’t think my insurance will cover this & I can’t include this on my accident claim. I might get caught for fraud!
  6. I do enjoy painting my fingernails!! I decided to try a NEW METHOD. It’s called Sparkle Dura Coat that has a lifetime warranty! Apparently using a spray gun & paint like you use for repainting cars isn’t such a good idea! I forgot to fully let it dry & I put on gloves & EVERYTHING STUCK TO ME LIKE GLUE. They took me to the emergency, & they didn’t know how to proceed. One doctor suggested soaking everything in gas & flash burning it off! BUT another doctor vetoed that because he saw that I had over-sprayed onto my hands & he didn’t want to further traumatize me by giving me 3rd-degree burns. The only solution was to let nature take its course. They carefully snipped off as much of the rubber gloves as they could.
  7. Laugh at myself!! No problem there!! I do this whenever I look at my hands that have this blotchy sparkly purple paint, with tufts of blue rubber from the gloves stuck randomly over some nails, & over my hands & fingers! I look like I belong in a circus sideshow.  A morphed purple Smurf!  Or is it a form of leprosy? SIGH. Now I have to spend MORE money on another pair of gloves to hide my hideous hands!
  8. Write an encouraging letter….I know! I speak “Spoonerism”! I will write that in Plat Deutsch,  and nobody will be able to figure that one out!! I make cards & envelopes & since I will have GLOVES on, there will be NO telltale DNA left behind! I will  have to figure out how to get it into the mailboxes because they are those big green things with individual locks. Maybe I will have to do door to door delivery in the middle of the night!! There you go! Problem solved!
  9. This one is supposed to be a challenge. I LOVE challenges! Yes, it will prove to be an ethical challenge to some folks, but the way I see it, it’s a wonderful practical joke.  Ever heard of people having weird pets like SKUNKS for instance? Here’s an easy way to play with peoples’ minds! It’s all a matter of PERCEPTION!! Offer to babysit your neighbours’ cat & while you are babysitting the cat, you can spray paint it. When they come back home & come to pick up their cat, casually hand over their cat as though NOTHING is out of the ordinary!! WATCH FOR THEIR REACTION! Be sure you wear different gloves & take them off when done. This works like a charm because the cat will greet them with open paws.
  10. Fill home with Christmas cheer in summer. Make some mulled rhubarb cider (a lovely twist from the ordinary apple … for real). Have assorted sizes of Christmas gift bags filled with pine cones & tissue paper, lumps of coal, have some bags looking mangled & trampled, with the tissue paper ripped & bedraggled looking. Have signs/tags saying “Santa WAS here”, “His Reindeers fled”, “Santa thought you were too naughty”, “You weren’t on Santa’s list”, ‘Santa is on strike”, “Santa died”, etc.
  11. Arrange all of your reading material on your bookshelf in random order with spines to the wall…after you have covered the covers with MACTAC!!! This is your MYSTERY section! Tape a label at the top of the bookshelf that simply says “Mystery Detective Novels, Figure Them Out”!
  12. I JUST GOT out OF SOME KINDS OF THERA-PEE.  OOPS. There goes my bladder control AGAIN! I tried looking for something I lost again today. Couldn’t remember what it was I that was looking for.  If you find it, let me know! That there thera-pist was kinda crazy. Told me to take an assburin and to come back in the mourning. That sounds too sad. I think the thera-pist has lost something and has a hole in his heart that needs to have a shrink!

A-non-a-mus

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