Just like everybody else, we all feel like failures.  If you don’t feel like a failure, you’re probably a sociopath. ~Jenny Lawson, Talks at Google

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  • Today is Friday.  It is cold and dark and black outside.  I am alone on a day when most of the healthy population are socializing, hiring babysitters, asking husbands to “zip me up” while putting on earrings.  They are eating steak, drinking, dancing, flying down city freeways in slick shiny taxis, taking in entertainment, getting to wear lingerie, picking up their dog’s shit, putting freshly laundered sheets, comforters, and pillowcases on their beds, having bubble baths and exfoliating, and drifting off to sleep.
  • They will wake up on what I call Brown saturday and bounce out of bed and go for a jog to pick up more of their dog’s shit.
  • Fucking bastards.
  • Today I feel like a failure; ergo, no sociopath.
  • Activity suggestions for people like US to do with the remains of today:


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  1. Play solitaire on your computer but use strategies that will help you win most of the time so you don’t feel like such a failure.  The odds of winning go up exponentially for every Ace that is visible at the end of the deal. Just keep pressing F2 for a new deal until you see one or more Aces.  I read that on the internet somewhere.
  2. Make your own pizza!  Get any cracker, squirt ketchup on it and shake pepper on it.  Heat it up if you want.  Use a cheese slice for a plate.  Plates have to be washed.
  3. LEGO project.  Leggo of the fact that you’ll never work for NASA, much less learn to go at a green light, OK?
  4. Manicure.  I got you covered.
  5. Arrange your medications in your dosettes.  Glue leftovers to your bathroom wall (artfully, if you are able to).  This will serve as a reminder when your dosette is empty.
  6. Indoor obstacle course:  no setup required.
  7. Trampoline fun:  sit on the edge of your bed and bounce up and down three times.
  8. Pyjama party:  the clothes you were wearing today are your pajamas.  Go to bed at 9:30p.m.  Get up at 11:30p.m.  Go to bed at 1:00a.m.  Get up at 3:00a.m.  We’re now in Brown saturday.
  9. In your sleep, you are heard saying, “for $30, you can get a license plate and drive anywhere in Germany”.
  10. Be encouraged: we all feel like failures sometimes, but we’re not sociopaths!