I lost something today.

I have a hole in my heart as a result.  I won’t get into the details but I experienced a loss.  I did lose my mind, but this happens intermittently and I’m sure I’ll find it soon.  I did forget to look under the bed, so I’ll do that later.

OK SO NOW HOW TO SHRINK THAT HOLE IN YOUR HEART

  1. Go check out a book from your local library.  Doodle in the margins with children’s washable markers.  Use a sharpie to cross out words you don’t like.  Hope the library staff does not notice when you return the book.  Offer to purchase the book from the library if you get caught.  This would make a great coffee table book.
  2. Get a journal.  Splurge and get a really nice leather bound one.  Write only happy thoughts, psychological jargon about how well you are coping with your life, and say wonderful things about everybody you know.  Leave it in a prominent place in your living room.
  3. Get another journal.  This time, buy something really cheap that is just a notebook and not a journal.  Write out how you are really feeling.  Draw dark, creepy pictures and be realistic about how you feel about everybody in your life.  Hide this journal very, very well.  HIDE IT WHERE NOT EVEN YOU CAN FIND IT.
  4. Stretch.  To do this, I recommend buying (or making) a game of Twister.  Have a blanket and pillows close by.  When you have collapsed after placing your hand or foot on the second dot, roll over, cover yourself with the blanket, press your head on the pillows, and fall asleep on the floor.
  5. Some people enjoy painting their fingernails.  I think this is called a manicure.  Do it like this:  manicureretarded
  6. Laugh at yourself.  When you realize you have no nail polish remover, wear gloves until you get something to remove the polish.
  7. Write an encouraging letter in a foreign language addressed to “to whom it may concern”.  You’ll likely need Google Translate to accomplish this.  Place the letter in the most beautiful envelope you can find, draw a smiley face on the front, and when no one is looking slip it into a stranger’s mailbox.
  8. This next tip may be a challenge, and I’m sure it will present some ethical dilemma to some readers.  I have heard that some people have skunks as pets.  Try to find that person, and offer to skunk sit for the day.  Apparently, they are like cats in terms of their demeanor.  Invite a friend over and watch how they react to your little friend.  Actually, on second thought I recommend you don’t do this.  Just think about doing it.
  9. Fill your home with some Christmas cheer.  Wrap empty boxes with pretty paper and write “Santa does not exist” on each one.  If you have a larger plant, place it in the corner and surround it with the boxes you created.  Not recommended if you have small children in the home.
  10. Arrange all of the reading material on your bookshelf so that the spines of the books are facing inward.  Create a label called “Mystery Section” and tape it to the top of the shelf.
  11. Please go to a qualified professional for therapy.  In as serious of a tone as you can muster, phone the office and request a therapist who does not doze off in the middle of the session.  If the therapist’s assistant does not find this funny, there is a good chance that the therapist will.  Again this is something that you may just THINK about doing, and then book a therapy session like a normal person would.

Somehow this turned into eleven things because I messed up the numbered list.  Now call up a trusted friend who has also lost his or her mind and have a good cry.

YOU ARE WELCOME.